Denial…isn’t that a river in Africa?

</“It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).”

That quote is from a Jimmy Eat World Song from about a decade ago. A song that for some reason was on the radio this weekend. A song that was playing when the cracks in my shield of denial finally started cause the whole thing to break away. I think I am finally starting to accept what is going to happen. A part of me has known for a while. A part of me is still hoping she will miraculously get better.

I started to rehab and ride Lucky exactly one week ago. The first ride back she felt better. The second ride back she felt terrible. The only consistent thing about the mini rides (20 minutes, almost all walk) is how inconsistent they are. Yesterday, for the first time ever I think, she actually looked worse from the ground than she felt riding. She is normally so stoic that while it feels awful, it doesn’t usually look that way.

After that second ride I decided that I wasn’t going to analyze each and every ride. I was just going to get on her for 2 weeks and at the end I would decide overall how things were going. We all have good days and bad days. Lucky will be 23 in 2 short months, I can’t expect her to feel great all the time…especially with the constant weather changes we have been having. It has been hard though.

So after I got off Sunday it became clear that I cannot live my life like this…hoping Lucky is having a good day, getting sad or frustrated when she is not. Putting her on the lunge and watching her go yesterday…I know what I should do. I think everyone (including her owner, my friends, etc) knows what I should do. Everyone has just been waiting for me to come to the realization myself. Seeing Lucky’s stride with a little twist going on in her gait (I should really figure out a way to video it) it made things a whole lot clearer.

I was feeling very disheartened. Denial is a comforting thing, so without it all I can do it face the truth. That is when I heard the song. While the song has more to do with not giving in to peer pressure than leasing a horse, hearing that chorus felt like a sign from above. Everything will be just fine and everything will be alright. It just doesn’t feel that way now. I am still sticking to my 2 week rule, but at this moment all the signs are pointing in the same direction.

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