Stuck between a rock…and the unknown…

I feel…stuck…right now. I love reading about all of you going out on hunter paces and enjoy time with your friends at the barn, but I am starting to wonder if my lack of keeping up with blogs (including my own) is more of a mental block than a lack of time. You see, I am not in a good place horse wise. I have put nearly $1,000 in to trying to get Lucky better over the past 2 months and well…contrary to my recent post I just don’t think she is getting better. I got the vet clearance to ride her lightly and even on day one back in the saddle I knew she didn’t feel right.

I tried to follow the doctors orders, but just a few days in even the barn owner (from the house mind you…far, far away from where I was riding) could see that Lucky was not right. Instead of pushing the issue I have decided to give her another week off, but I have to admit that I am not a happy horse person right now.

I haven’t riden in what feels like forever. And I honestly don’t know when I am going to be able to ride again. I have spent so much money on horses, between vet bills for both horses, new supplements, and Lucky’s teeth that I can’t even afford a lesson right now. Not even one single stupid lesson. I want to be happy that everyone is out there having fun, in fact, I get mad at myself when I feel that pang of jealousy scrolling down the Facebook page. I love that so many people are having fun, it is just that I want to be having fun too…and right now I am not.

I lease so I can ride, but the horses I can afford to lease have issues, are untrained, or both.  That means I spend a good chunk of time fixing problems or out of the tack.

I am starting to wonder if maybe it isn’t just time to stop riding.

I know, I know. Dramatic much? I decided not to get a bone scan or x-rays to save money, but a part of me thinks it might be better to spend another $1,000 on diagnostics just to know if Lucky and I even have a shot for the future. I have no idea where that $1,000 would be coming from mind you, but the mental stress of not knowing is making me crazy.

You know what the number one predictor of educational success is? Perseverance. Seriously, it counts for more than IQ, economics or any other factor that they measure.

I am starting to wonder if I fooled myself in to thinking the same applied to horses, because it doesn’t.

How many times do I have to get knocked down before I realize that maybe riding just isn’t for me? Most people would have learned after their first horse suffered a bad enough injury to be retired. Other would have learned after the horse they were leasing had to be euthanized. Few would have made it to a lease where issues with the horses owner occurred  and even less would be where I am now with an older (okay, okay…just old) Thoroughbred who needed lots of training.

Why am I so stubborn that I refuse to call “uncle” and stick to things I am good at like giving carrots and scratches?

Maybe Gen is alive because I am good at being an owner, but he is retired because I am just not supposed to ride? Maybe all the issues and changes are because I am just not meant to be in the saddle? I really wish I didn’t love it so much so I could just walk away and not feel upset about it.

It is not like there are not other horses out there if Lucky can’t get better. It is just that I finally had this horse going great and something happened. Something always happens. Literally. Ever since Gen there has always been an issue once things start coming together. I could always just try and find a different lease, but I don’t feel like starting over.

Please don’t think I am sad, I am not.  Honestly. I just feel stuck right now and a teeny, tiny bit jealous of all those people I see as I drive to the barn with big grins on their faces and rouged cheeks as they hack back from an amazing trail ride.  I wish I knew what the right thing to do was. My wallet is starting to tell me it is time to quit. If I am not supposed to ride I just need to know that so I can stop trying…and failing. I might not be a winner, but am I really a failure???