So I actually have video of the moments leading up to this melt down, but I am not going to share it, at least I am not ready to share it today. Let me start from the beginning. As you know I have been having issues for a few months now of not really wanting to ride. Some days it is better and some days it is worse. For some reason Saturday’s lately have all been cold and windy compared to the rest of the week. That is so not helping with the confidence issues!
So I was already not feeling very positive when I got to the barn. I did try and do some positive self talk so I was feeling better before I got on. My lesson started off okay. I was just about to get on with my warm up with my trainer asked me about how horse hunting with SolitareMare went to I went back to the walk and told the whole story of what happened. About a minute in to that story the SchoolMaster decided that the little birds chirping in the corner were going to kill him. That made me start to feel like he was going to kill me. I tried to keep it together and kept telling the story while making the SchoolMaster go near the deadly sparrows but my mind started to race.
As always that does not lead to good things. I started getting tense and thus I started to ride completely defensively. As soon as I did that the SchoolMaster went from thinking that the little song birds were going to kill him to knowing for a fact that they were going to because the girl on his back was scared now. He started to fixate, and as we all know I am the master of obsession, so we were an impressively obsessing pair. My trainer tried to get my focus back on my ride. She got us right to working, but it was too late.
I was in full blown panic mode. I even started to cry. I want so badly to conquer my issues that I really push myself out of my comfort zone. So here I am crying and my trainer is starting is on lateral work. The problem is I am now gripping with my arms. She keeps telling me to give, but I am too scared to. Somewhere along the way I decided that I needed to hold a death grip on the reins in order to stay safe. Instead of freaking out about that the SchoolMaster agrees with me and feels that I must hold him up.
So just picture this. I am crying, the SchoolMaster is tight and tense and leaning on me and my trainer is trying hard to get my brain to relax so she is making us work on our shoulder ins and our haunches in. We are a fright train flying around the ring. He is throwing his neck around, but I can’t get his body. I am getting more and more frustrated by the second. As we come down the long side towards my trainer she is telling me to give with my inside rein. I have been yelling back that I can’t for three laps around. She is telling me to just do it. The more I pull the stronger the SchoolMaster gets which makes me more and more concerned. I finally realize that I can’t do this so I slam on my breaks and literally leap off of the SchoolMaster and have a full blown melt down.
I am intimidated by him. I can’t handle this. He doesn’t look to me to make him feel better, and only cares when I am worried too. This is getting worse and worse and I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE. I literally just freaked out for a good 30 seconds. The SchoolMaster is standing behind me looking utterly confused and horrified, the Young Rider just has her mouth open and my trainer is look at me and taking a deep breath clearly getting ready to try and calm me down.
To Be Continued…