Every now and then something in life is bound to give you a little jolt. A little shock to the core that reminds you to put things in perspective. Yesterday in the mail I got a letter from one of my GMOs. It is for a 60% achievement award…on Lexington. This will be Lexi’s last award. The 1 year anniversary of his death is fast approaching. Because of that I have been thinking about him a lot lately. I was not expecting this award. I mean, I knew I was getting it, but at the same time I had totally forgotten all about it. And thus I was ill prepared to handle the emotional baggage that this letter brought. For almost a year now I have been clinging to the thought that Lexington and I still had unfinished business because we still had one more award to get. With this letter it means that I have nothing left of him.
I don’t know why that hurts to much. I have had almost a year to prepair. My life has changed so much since Lexington last saw me. I often wonder if I would have been able to handle all the things Phoenix has thrown at me if Lexi had not prepared me so well. I know I would never have looked at leasing a 4 year old directly after owning Gen, but for some reason after riding Lexington, a baby horse seemed like something manageable.
I hate closure. HATE IT. I am debating back and forth if I should get the last ribbon in person or not. I am thinking that I might want to sponsor a division in his honor at the banquet. I don’t know. I feel all mixed up right now. Has anyone else out there had to collect an award for a horse that passed away? Were you able to do it without crying? I know once I get the ribbon in my hands I will be okay, but thinking about it before hand is upsetting me. I am shaking and twitching like a drug addict right now because my denial runs so deep. I know that the X door closed a long time ago, but for some reason last night I started to freak out about it. There is something so sad about a final award. I wonder how Lori is handling it. I know she is getting one also. We talk once in a while now, but not very often. If I am hurting this bad I imagine she must be having a hard time also.