Lexington’s Last Award

Every now and then something in life is bound to give you a little jolt. A little shock to the core that reminds you to put things in perspective. Yesterday in the mail I got a letter from one of my GMOs. It is for a 60% achievement award…on Lexington. This will be Lexi’s last award. The 1 year anniversary of his death is fast approaching. Because of that I have been thinking about him a lot lately. I was not expecting this award. I mean, I knew I was getting it, but at the same time I had totally forgotten all about it. And thus I was ill prepared to handle the emotional baggage that this letter brought. For almost a year now I have been clinging to the thought that Lexington and I still had unfinished business because we still had one more award to get. With this letter it means that I have nothing left of him.

I don’t know why that hurts to much. I have had almost a year to prepair. My life has changed so much since Lexington last saw me. I often wonder if I would have been able to handle all the things Phoenix has thrown at me if Lexi had not prepared me so well. I know I would never have looked at leasing a 4 year old directly after owning Gen, but for some reason after riding Lexington, a baby horse seemed like something manageable.

I hate closure. HATE IT. I am debating back and forth if I should get the last ribbon in person or not. I am thinking that I might want to sponsor a division in his honor at the banquet. I don’t know. I feel all mixed up right now. Has anyone else out there had to collect an award for a horse that passed away? Were you able to do it without crying? I know once I get the ribbon in my hands I will be okay, but thinking about it before hand is upsetting me. I am shaking and twitching like a drug addict right now because my denial runs so deep. I know that the X door closed a long time ago, but for some reason last night I started to freak out about it. There is something so sad about a final award. I wonder how Lori is handling it. I know she is getting one also. We talk once in a while now, but not very often. If I am hurting this bad I imagine she must be having a hard time also.

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8 thoughts on “Lexington’s Last Award

  1. I’m sorry you are sad. It’s okay to cry: now, when you get the award, years later.
    My GMO award that I’m getting this year is based, in part, on a great but deceased horse. I hadn’t thought about it until this post – thanks! I’m looking at it as a celebration of him. And as thanks to him for all he taught me. I know he is having a blast in heaven, so I’m not sad for him but I do miss him.

  2. *hugs*

    Stormy died the day before our last show of the season. We had already wrapped up our division by taking home champion in 3 out of 4 shows (and reserve in the 4th) so I knew we’d still be getting an award. He died in October and the first awards banquet was in December. I think if it had been any closer together I wouldn’t have been able to go, but since I’d had a few weeks to cry myself out and was now just numb, I managed to go because I knew it was the first step to healing and moving on. (Or if I didn’t know, the people around me who encouraged me to go did.)

    I think I managed to mostly hold it together through the dinner, and I had lots of friends, and my aunt who owned the horse, there to help distract me. But after the dinner I went back to my aunt’s and visited the paddock where Stormy had lived, and it was the first time that I had been there since before he died. At that point I did lose it and I sat out in the snow and moonlight bawling my eyes out until I finally had to go in because of the cold. He was the first horse I’d ever really worked with one-on-one and the first that I lost, so it was a whole new experience for me, still 16.

    Like you, I knew that going to the dinner meant it was the last thing I would ever do “with” Stormy (although I was surprised to win something else through 4-H a month or two later) and like you said, I think it was because it was so FINAL that made it hurt so much. I didn’t find Willie until the next summer, so I didn’t even have “next season” to look forward to.

    Looking back now I can say that it’s bittersweet; if Stormy had not died I wouldn’t have started looking for my own horse, and if I hadn’t started looking when I did, I probably would not have found Willie. And Willie is one of the best things that ever happened to me.

    It’s totally a comfort zone thing. Some people can handle it, others can’t. But if you can think about it as celebrating all the things that Lexi taught you, and not saying goodbye to him, maybe it would be a little bit easier.

  3. I’m so sorry this is so painful for you. Try to think of the award as a celebration of his life. He’s across the rainbow bridge and living a great life now.

    I’ve always been told that when you lose someone/thing that you can only be sad for yourself because they get to go somewhere wonderful. It’s hard not to be sad but try to keep the good and positive in the front.

  4. Aw, hugs to you! 😦 I completely understand how this is hard for you. I, too, would be having the same dilemma, but I also think I would regret not going. Think of it as a way to honor Lexington. Make sure you go to the banquet with good friends who can support you. Ultimately you need to do what is right for you, of course, but I would encourage you to go. Closure does suck at times, but it sure can help too!! Great horses deserved to be honored. 🙂

  5. I can relate to your pain. Monty’s 1 year angel-versary is fast approaching as well. I was cleaning up just this past weekend for the holidays and came across the photo album with all my Hunter Pace pictures and had a melancholy moment as I flipped through it and the last entry is Monty and I jumping at a pace a month and a half before he was put to sleep. I didn’t cry, but my mood darkened and I put the book away.

    It hurts. you think you are done with it and then it just comes back in strange ways. Every bright, crisp day this past fall my heart ached for a trot through the woods or a ride in a hunter pace with Monty. But I am determined to focus on my new big youngster and train him to give me those things again and more. That’s what keeps my mood up and positive.

    You love to compete. With X it was a matter of perfecting the movements you and he already understood. And there’s an expectation of reward. With a greenie it’s so random. You can’t expect anything and have to live with being happily surprised for your efforts sometimes. The good thing is – they learn, and so do you. It’s a journey well worth taking.

    Only you know what your heart can handle. You are as much a part of the award as X. My thought is you should go to accept the award in person. Then you will never have any regret that you didn’t go and represent the two of you and your achievement. There isn’t one person who would not understand if you became emotional. Anyone who’s been with horses for any length of time understands how these noble creatures can hold our hearts captive.

    Know you have my heartfelt support whatever you choose to do.

  6. My heart goes out to you, OTB. Lexi was a kind, willing, loveable horse and I’m sure he’ll always have a very special place in your heart. I’m so sorry this is still so difficult for you, but I completely understand. I hope you can figure out a way to give yourself some peace, both about accepting the award and honoring his memory.

  7. I once picked out a 5 week old pup, named her Picabu Street, after the skier. Picabu was the best dog ever; There are more dogs trying to take her place in my heart but that can’t happen, Pic is right there as #1. Her picture is on a shelf above my computer and her memories are in my heart. Picabu lived with me untill she died about 4 years ago and still to this day I cry about her death.
    I;m sorry you are having these feelings but I think in the long run its good for us to remember, all the good times and the bad times, and it will make our futures better. Good luck.

  8. This is the last thing you can do for him.
    Go get the award any give him his due.
    Love is not always easy and neither is doing
    the hard thing for those you love/loved.
    klk

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