So I mentioned before that I wasn’t sure I was going to the awards banquet this year to pick up one of X’s last Ribbons. I had a hard time going last year, which I wrote about it here, because I was going to be picking up Genny’s last ribbon (if anything happens to Texas I am so not riding anymore). Genny is still alive though. X is no longer with us. I asked for advice and you guys gave some great thoughts. I was trying to think of the ribbon as a last hurray…a good thing. So I wrote out my reservation form and my check and told myself I would mail it right away. And on my desk it sat. I kept telling myself that I needed to send it in soon. And I never did. Yesterday I realized that I haven’t sent it in because I don’t want to go. Yes, by outward appearances I have moved on by leasing another horse. Trust me though, I am still upset and miss X a lot. Stupid things upset still. Like I put my blog on the blog village thing a while ago and part of that was to make a banner. Well, I clicked over to blog village the other day and it had been a while so I forgot what the banner looked like…it is Gen on one side and me riding X on the other. It made me cry. And the day I gave money for the lease for Texas made me cry also, but not until I was walking to the house after parking my car.
The best way I can describe it is these little pangs of loss that happen when I am not expecting them. I still go over to X’s stall at Hill farm, open up the top of the dutch door and look in. I don’t know what I am thinking when I do that, I know X isn’t going to suddenly appear back in the stall. I just, I don’t know. I miss the old guy with his itchy neck and his constant begging for treats.
I am just not ready to pick up his last ribbon. I know I will cry, maybe not at the banquet, but at some point during the day it will happen. And the banquet was expensive and it is not like we won. We came in 6th. I am proud of X and I for doing that. Go us! But I just don’t think I am going to be all smiles and having a great time. And so I don’t want to go. They will send the ribbon in the mail, or maybe the Wife who owns Hill Farm will pick it up for me. Either way I am not going because I am not ready to go yet. It was hard enough to pick up Genny’s last ribbon…I just can’t do this right now.
If you feel you can’t do it and it will make you sad, don’t go. Either let them send it to you in the mail or have someone pick it up for you. In the future you will want it as a memory of your accomplishment with X and also as a tribute to him. So make sure you get it one way or the other. It takes some time to get over a horse that you cared deeply for, give yourself the time you need to grieve for X. Remember the good times and the fun you had together and that may help.
Awww, I completely understand why you can’t go at this time. It’s too fresh and new. Time does heal wounds, and as greyhorsematters said, you will indeed one day wish for that ribbon, for all of the happy memories and accomplishments that went with that union.
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Until then, allow yourself to look in X’s stall, remember the great boy that he was, and how he is in a much better place now with no pain, etc.
I think Texas was put in your path for a reason. It’s time to move on to help influence another horse and help make his life fuller. It’s hard to move on, but try to think of X in a happy light, that he was a great horse and led a full life. Texas deserves your love, just like X did, and just as Geny does. HOrses who are blessed to have caring and consistant riders are truly blessed. So glad Texas is blessed with you now.
GHM + Mickey – There was no question about getting the ribbon eventually…I am truly a ribbon whore…I love em! What can I say. I just want to get it in private when I can reflect on my own. I am just not ready to face a whole bunch of strangers and get his last ribbon and have to explain everything you know. I am jus not ready.
I understand about looking at the stall. I still get shook sometimes when I go to my old house and see my old horse’s stall. I expect to see him looking at me like he always did. It is always a shock when he wasn’t. Take your time.
I sure don’t blame you for not wanting to go either. I’d probably feel just like you do. Very hard trying to act all happy when inside you’re sad and feel like crying. You know that you and X did good. That’s all that matters. Maybe have yourself another one of those luxurious baths and reminisce instead. X was sure lucky to have someone who loved him so much.
Sorry, but I have to admit that I too had a few chuckles over your last post. Locking yourself inside the stall. Sure makes me feel a whole lot better when I hear that other people do silly things too.
Do you ever wonder how the horses put up with being locked in when if they really wanted to get out, all they’d have to do is break down the door? Amazing animals to stay locked up just because they know they’re supposed to huh?
It is the accomplishment that counts, not the ceremony. You and X earned that ribbon, so cherish the ribbon the way you want to, in private. There is no shame in that. Just enjoy it on your own and remember how hard you worked to get it.
I don’t think anyone can fault you for not wanting to go. I think If I were in your shoes with this, I would feel much the same way. Like you said before, Texas has an “X” in his name. Think of your future winnings as being a little bit in X’s memory.
Texas is also a horse of color, like X, so I think there’s something special in that too.
I am sure that getting X’s last ribbon in private will mean just as much as if you had a whole crowd watching. It might even mean more because it’s a special moment to reflect — and some things aren’t meant to be shared.
Huggs2U!